Attention All Toddlers: The Official Language of Daddy is English

I am very aware that the English language is one of the most difficult to learn. Judging by the all-too-frequent look of confusion on my girlfriend’s face, I’m pretty sure I still speak some form of broken English. So I completely understand and can appreciate when toddlers begin exploring new ways to overcome the baby communication barrier. But what starts as oh-so-cute can get oh-so-less-cute very quickly.

My youngest son, just over a year old, is now pointing to communicate. I want…that! No not that, THAT! Take me that way! Now, take me over there! Now let’s go upstairs! Cute, right? Until you attempt to change his diaper or take him to bed. He begins frantically pointing in any and every direction and I can see deep, dark thoughts crossing his face as he contemplates gouging my eyes out with his pointer finger. (I’m positive that’s what he’s thinking!)

The pointing is a recent development but he’s been babbling pretty much since the day he was born. As he’s gotten older, I’ve made out a few words here and there. “Momma.” “Dadda.” “Nana.” But 99% of what he’s said remains a mystery to the world. Judging by the expression on his face, it’s of life and death importance too. Until there’s a Rosetta Stone to translate babbling, this endless, streaming one-way conversation is going absolutely nowhere.

Honestly, I can take the pointing and the babbling when it’s just my son. However, when I take him to daycare every morning is when cute becomes something else entirely. Imagine the babbling and pointing on a massive, multiplied scale. Six, seven, maybe even a hundred snotty nosed kids yammering and directing your attention here and there! All of them at once are drawn to you like you’re a magnet. They’re all so dead serious, too. This is where I reach my limit and have to draw the line.

Attention kiddos: As of today, the official language of daddy is English. I’ll accept broken English. Queen’s English. Even old English. But the pointer finger should now only be used to pin down spaghettiOs and for spotting small animals and airplanes. Babbling should be kept to a minimum, please, as you have to earn the right to incoherently babble, as daddy has clearly done. Thank you for your understanding.